It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
