Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Randomize
