I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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