I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
