I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
i've created a new STD.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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