No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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