I puked a lego.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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