How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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