You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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