Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
