its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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