you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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