I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
