Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
