there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
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Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
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Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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