How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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