I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
