I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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