I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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