You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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