oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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