I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
