I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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