I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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