I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
