It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i may or may not be watching the land before time
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
