I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I just found a bag of teeth...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
