That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
