She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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