I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
