I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Randomize
