You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
