I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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