Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
