So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
