i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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