he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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