he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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