I'm lost and stupid without you.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She announced her abortion via fbk
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
