Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
