if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
