you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Randomize
