You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
