god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
