Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
