So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Randomize
