you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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