Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
