grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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