why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
