I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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