I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
