I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
