All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
