i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
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We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
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Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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