Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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